i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
