Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize