Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
