Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
