Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
