I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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