I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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