Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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