Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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