It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
