Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
