Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
