I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My vagina just clenched in fear
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
