i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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