i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
