I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
