At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
