seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
