You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
