Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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