It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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