We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
