Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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