So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
jump out the window naked night went bad
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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