Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
