When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
