At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
