i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
