I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
