On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
