It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize