Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
