You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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