she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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