Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
