We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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