The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm getting married
To pizza
The struggles of a small town man whore
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
