I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Idk if I want to put a bra on
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
