You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk is a universal language darling
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
