i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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