he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
