My vagina just recognized that song.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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