Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
