turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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