i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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