Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
