What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
