I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
