things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
