im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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