He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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