Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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