I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
