So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
