My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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