im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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